Eat Pappa Eat!

Kelly Jean Fitzsimmons
3 min readDec 17, 2015

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Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is my can’t miss Christmas special each year. I have always wondered why I love it so… Is it the songs? The notion of two misfits coming out on top? Or, the simple and charming romance between Rudolph and Clarice? Although, like my Ex, Rudolph also walked out on Clarice right before the Holidays. The difference is he grew up, came back, and saved her from the Bumble.

Really, I love Rudolph because it is the only time I can remember a person being encouraged, even badgered, to get fat in order to save Christmas.

Now that’s the dream — Getting fat to SAVE Christmas!

If you aren’t familiar, Mrs. Claus spends half the time chasing her beanpole husband around force feeding him because “No one likes a skinny Santa!”

If you haven’t watched Rudolph yet (or the next time you do), you might be surprised to notice that Santa acts like a complete DICK most of the time. Especially to Rudolph. Maybe that’s why Mrs. Claus desperately needs him to get fat and jolly? So, here’s the real lesson kids:

Fat Santa = Nice. Skinny Santa= Dick.

One of my favorite characters is “Dolly for Sue,” the little doll abandoned on the Island of Misfit Toys. But I always wondered what was wrong with this sweet dolly that she got stuck on the Island, a castaway misfit? Apparently the debate about what exactly was wrong with Dolly for Sue raged on for years, until it was released that she suffers from psychological problems from being cast off and unloved.

SERIOUSLY? Dolly for Sue is a misfit toy because she is DEPRESSED! If that’s the case, kick me out of the sleigh right now and don’t even bother handing me an umbrella.

I’ll plummet to the earth like one of those Turkeys on WKRP.

But, of course, Rudolph saves the day, Santa is force fed until he’s fat and jolly (although, being a guy, he’ll probably lose all that weight right after Christmas) and “Dolly for Sue” gets her umbrella, sailing down to a happy little child on Christmas morning. Because there was never anything wrong with her.

You hear that Dolly for Sue, there was never anything wrong with you!

And, in the closing song “Holly Jolly Christmas,” Hermey (the misfit elf because he wants to be… a dentist) is seen chatting up a hottie girl elf.

But that is a whole other debate.

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A version of this piece originally appeared on my blog “White Girl with a Fat Ass” that I started to help me deal with my holiday blues. Instead of feeling guilty all the time about what I was or wasn’t eating, I sought to balance the scales by helping Americans who are battling with real hunger. Click here to donate to Feeding America through my virtual food drive.

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Kelly Jean Fitzsimmons

Writer, educator, and producer of No, YOU Tell It! (noyoutellit.com) Stalk my Insta adventures @KJ_Fitzsimmons @noyoutellit